The empathy streak: Why family lawyers need one

By Holly Thomas

It seems obvious to say most family lawyers enter the legal profession to help people. Yet, legal training largely focusses on technicalities, neglecting developing ‘soft skills’ which some would argue are equally important.

To guide clients, who are often going through the most traumatic, emotional and uncertain time of their lives, the best lawyers combine knowledge with empathy.

Clients carefully choose a lawyer they can trust to help them through huge life decisions they may make (which can include marriage or divorce). For me, this is one of the biggest privileges for any family lawyer and here’s why I believe it matters.

Why does empathy matter?

Empathy adds the ‘human’ element which can come from many sources. It depends on a person’s background, life experiences and their individual makeup. For me, my own personal experience of the legal system has played a significant part in how I approach supporting my clients. I can understand what it feels like to go through contentious Family Court proceedings – the effects of which my own family and I still feel every day, even after 15 years.

Having this experience helps me as a family lawyer as I combine knowledge with understanding. After helping one client through a matrimonial and financial matter they commented:

“Holly you are one in a million. I can’t thank you enough from the bottom of my heart.”

I pride myself on being a down-to-earth lawyer who isn’t purely consumed by billable hours and financial targets. I am a people person, a ‘normal girl’ from the South Wales valleys who was brought up by a single mother.

I also pride myself on my approachability, my willingness to listen, and my understanding of how a relationship breakdown can really be catastrophic, whether there are children involved or when there are financial matters to deal with.

How does direct experience help?

I, myself, have been one of those children impacted by parental separation. I found myself giving evidence in court on behalf of my mother when I was a teenager during Children Act Proceedings. I saw first-hand how family law proceedings impact not only the clients, but their entire families. I also witnessed how difficult it can be to make rational decisions whilst up against the ticking clock of the court’s timetable and how important it is to have a legal adviser who sees the bigger picture and listens. I believe this personal experience has made me a more capable family lawyer.

My family and I often talk about those proceedings, even now.

Reflection is particularly hard for me as a family lawyer knowing what I now know; our family was failed. In writing this article I spoke with my mother and asked what the hardest part of the legal process was for her (aside from the outcome). She told me that it was having a stranger who did not know our family, decide who her children live with. She felt that she had no voice to properly articulate why that decision was fundamentally flawed.

Why you need a family lawyer who listens

My mother’s solicitor made a last-minute decision not to attend the hearing due to funding issues and she had no idea about other support that would have been available at that time.

She had no advice about routes to appeal and felt completely alone, and I was helpless back then.

So, while I could not help my mother at the time, I chose to make a difference to others. I decided I wanted to be a lawyer and do my best to help people in a similar situation; this direct experience is why I have chosen to specialise in family law.

I appreciate this may be a more unusual reason to choose a career, and a particular area of the law. Still, I believe that having empathy is crucial and so often overlooked.

My motivation remains to do my best for clients and their families, so I was proud when I received this client comment:

“Working with Holly has given me the support and direction I have needed in what can only be described as a high conflict child custody case. Prior to Holly I had two other solicitors and I felt support and communication was lacking.
“Holly changed all this and has turned my life around. With her representing me, I got the right outcome with my safeguarding concerns being met. I can’t recommend Holly enough, she is knowledgeable, committed and amazing at what she does.”

Today, I operate within the well-regarded specialist family law team at HM3 Legal. Combining legal skills with empathy (often in very high tempo cases), I feel I am lucky to have found my place, my work-home balance, and the environment I can flourish in. All of which helps me to support and guide clients going through what are often stressful changes in life.

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